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Tax The Beautiful

As you all know, I oppose any sort of “millionaires’ tax”.  To my mind, the economic arguments alone against such a tax should be a sufficient deterrent to enacting one.  It just makes no sense.  Relying on the income of the rich to bail out the government’s debt is like trying to bail out the Titanic with a Dixie cup.  And the Dixie cup will turn to a shotglass and then a teaspoon as the rich either move their wealth creation out of the jurisdiction of the tax or decide to spend more time golfing rather than work for 40 cents on the dollar.

The “fairness” issue doesn’t hold water any better than the Titanic did.  Again, let me exclude from this discussion anyone who gets rich from government bailouts, subsidies or sweetheart deals.  Their tax rate should be 100%.  But when I hear all the prattling about those wealthy people who are so “fortunate” or “blessed” I really don’t understand.  When I see my boss working 80 hours a week, pulling his hair out dealing with scores of problems every day, with the possibility that he can lose money for all his efforts and sacrifice, I don’t think “gee, what a fortunate guy!”  I’m just glad he’s willing to do it.

You don’t end up being lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time by sitting home complaining about rich people.  Ambitious people like my boss make it a point to be in the right place at the right time doing the right things.  His high income (at least I hope it’s high) is not due to some accident of nature.

There is an important aspect of our existence, however, that is more or less left up to the luck of the draw and that is our personal physiology.  We can not influence how our genes happen to line up at conception.  Those among us that are more perfect specimens, they are the ones that are more fortunate, they are the ones that are truly blessed.  Since we, as a society, have decided to use the tax code to inject some “fairness” to life, I hereby propose that we tax good looks.

Let’s start with a reasonable base rate of say, 15%.  Then for the men, every inch over average height that you are add 1%.  Every inch under average height subtract 1%.  (I’m already ahead!)  Since height is not considered a metric for rating a woman’s attractiveness, for them we can measure their, ahem, shapeliness and use the same 1% rule.  Blue eyes?, High cheekbones?, Clear skin?  Gonna cost you!  Men, losing your hair?  Good news!  Take 5% off your tax bill!  I can go on until I pay nothing in taxes!  (I haven’t even gotten yet to my flat feet.) 

To all those good looking chicks who would never consider dating me when I was young, and to all those tall, good looking guys who got those good looking chicks instead of me:  The government is finally going to make life fair.  So get your wallets out and pay your share!   


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